A True Man’s Man Cave: Vladimir Putin

A True Man’s Man Cave: Vladimir Putin

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a man cave for vladimir putin

When thinking of manly men, Vladimir Putin would certainly top the list.

In his downtime, the President of Russia, a former KGB agent, likes to engage in extreme sports, wrestle with wild animals, drive F1 cars and submersibles as well as fly firefighting planes. And as a recent-ish bachelor, Putin should treat himself to his own totally decked-out man cave.

What would Putin need in his man cave to demonstrate his manliness to others?

man cave vodka bottles

1) A Vodka Bar - What man cave would be complete without a bar flush with the manliest drinks? In Putin's case, vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. According to the WHO, Russian consumption of alcohol is among the highest in the world.

To Russians Vodka goes with everything: meals, socializing, bathroom breaks, watching The Americans, you name it. Vodka is a staple in Russia and Putin would have the finest Vodka Russia has to offer in his man cave.

Set the bottles, which amount to half a week’s worth of drinking, to the side of a marble tray full of Russian cut crystal shot glasses.

bear skin rug for your man cave domination

2) A Bear Skin Rug - What is man's natural predator? The polar bear. But not to Putin who laughs in the face of a beast that refuses to be tamed. And what Russian doesn’t love bears? A bear skin rug would be an excellent piece to accentuate Putin’s manliness and of course, it would really bring the room together.

Since we don't support animal hunting for sport, we recommend this fake bear skin rug - can you tell it apart from the real thing?​

secret passage bookcase for a man cave

3) A Bookcase with a Secret Passage - Putin is a man of mystery. Even his man cave would have its secrets.

This hidey hole would be a perfect place to keep his KGB mementos, spy notebooks, blueprints and souvenirs from his many manly adventures.

Putin would display famous Russian authors such as Leo Tolstoy and Fyodor Dostoyevsky and in his bookcase, but pulling on Putin’s favorite boyhood story of Masha and the Bear would allow you to enter his lair where he keeps:

spy gadget collection

4) His Display Case of KGB Spy Gadgets – Behold and marvel at Putin’s display case of KGB spyware and cold war-era mementos.

Visitors to Putin’s man cave would revel in Putin’s telephone monitoring equipment, cyanide-dispensing guns, glove pistols, pen cameras, poison dart-shooting umbrellas, and his favorite AK-47 briefcase. He also has his own Lenin and Stalin action figures.

By the way: you are in luck! All the cold war gadget goodness is now available for your own spy amusement here​!

air hockey table for your man cave

5) A Flippable Air Hockey Table – Putin loves hockey, almost as much as a Canadian. It is his favorite sport after bending frying pans. Putin could unwind in his man cave with his best oligarch buddies and play some good ol’ air hockey. Only Putin's table would flip over to reveal his plans and schematics for world domination. Get your own here!

gun wall

6) A Wall of Manly Weapons - Putin seems like a bit of a show off. He would need to showcase his vast collection of rifles, shotguns, pistols, revolvers, anti-aircraft missiles, grenades launchers, rockets, anti-tank weapons, etc. Putin’s wall would not be complete without his collection of machine guns and Russia’s iconic AK-47.

7) Judo Sparring Floor - Putin's man cave would display his deadly collection of weapons but he would need a special area to display his deadliest weapons... HIS FISTS!

Not only can Putin take down polar bears and tigers as well as crossbow some whales, he can kick some serious ass.

Putin has a black belt in Judo and Karate and has demolished competitors in the Russian martial art of sambo. Putin's awesome man cave deserves a sparring area so Putin can kick anyone's ass who dares enter his cave of manliness.

russian sauna

8) A Sauna - The Russian sauna, or banya, is an important part of Russian culture and tradition. This would help Putin purify his soul after a hard day of briefings, intelligence, press and hating on gay culture.

Here he would get a hot steam, rinse off with some cool water and consume copious amounts of alcohol. He might even add in this S-shaped shower seat so he can lie down when he's had a few too many sips. Due to Putin’s natural animal magnetism, he would be surrounded by many lovely ladies in his sauna. 

putin singing

9) Karaoke Machine - When you enter the manly pad, after riding horses for the afternoon, you may want to relax with a bit of karaoke singing.

Choose the Akai KS-213 CD+G Karaoke Player with iPad Cradle, which has two microphone inputs so you and friends can perform all of those Russian duets that are so much fun. Alternatively, play the music as background tunes to keep you company as you practice your karate moves.

10) And La Pièce de Résistance: a Siberian Tiger. Nothing screams manliness and sexual prowess like taming a wild pussy. Putin may display a stoic and icy-cold exterior but he is a soft cuddly teddy bear when it comes to animals.

Or maybe he is demonstrating that he can rule anyone and anything… He truly is a man of mystery.

Now you’re ready to kick it in the Vladimir Putin man cave! Bring on the amazing fishing accessories, secret safes, bear figurines, vodka and anti-US artwork. Now, it seems it’s time to head off in one of the 43 jets and 15 helicopters that we own. Don’t mind us, nothing to see here in this lair…!