15 Ads For Retro Products That Never Should Have Been Invented

Let’s face it, everything on the market really shouldn’t be there. Some things serve no purpose or are so “out there” that they resemble the likes of the Lunar Unicycle in our retro future post. Over the years, there have been products that we think maybe the inventors should have just kept to themselves. Here are 15 ads for products that never should have been invented.

1.Now Hear This!

Retro Product Hear Muffs
There’s nothing like taking cold headphones to bed – I mean, it’s such a problem! LMFAO. Since when are Hear Muffs solving a legitimate problem? On the other hand, we dig his mustache. Gotta look at the positive side, as mom always told us.

2.A Snow Day

Inappropriate Retro Ad
Now comes the creepy. Giving cocaine to kids in the form of toothache drops might just be… Oh who are we kidding, it’s so wrong it actually makes us grind our teeth! Only 15 cents for the drops, back in 1885, what a deal (call the local dealer if you want more of them).

3.Hot to Trot

Retro Strange Pants Product
Have you always wanted to get slender without exercise? Us too. But working out is probably way more productive than walking around in these unflattering sauna pants. They are literally a hot mess.

4.Eggs At Their Finest

Egg Cuber Retro
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? That’s one question to ask. Another Q&A session could involve asking why anyone wants to cube an egg! Do you agree that this product should never have been invented?

5.When You’re Hungry

Sandwich Holder Useless Product
Look ma, no hands! Seriously though, if you don’t have time to hold your burger with your hand, then you might want to slow down a bit. Or at least get out of the fast lane on the highway. Thanks.

6.Drunk by 9am

Whiskey Tooth Paste Bizarre Retro
If you use this alcohol-doused toothpaste in the morning, then you’ll be loads of fun at the board meeting later. Only $1 a tube, what a deal. Too bad this product shouldn’t have been invented.


Unsafe for Kids Retro Product
We’re going to have to go out on a limb here and say this kid might lose some of his limbs if he really uses this product. Don’t do it!

8.Work Out… Your Spine

Bad Vintage Fitness Ad
Is it just me or do more people want their faces, rather than their spines, to be young? It’s not like we’d go up to someone and say, “Your spine looks so young!” It’s almost as awkward as the people who you’ll find in a CrossFit gym.

9.No Words.

Strange Retro Ad
We’re going to take a wild guess that Screme Formula wasn’t such a hit with men. No offence to the werewolves.

10.Really? Yes.

Retro Men's Hair Product is Strange
Want to change your facial hair instantly? Stick “simulated natural hair” on your face. Another revolutionary idea is to take a few days and grow the hair yourself.


Strange! Why Was it Invented?
Hygiene just go weird.

12.How Romantic

This Product Shouldn't Have HappenedSeriously, this product shouldn’t have happened. Maybe our hearts are jaded but that’s just our opinion.


Bronze Lips 1970s Ad
The 1970s was apparently an era of smoking pot and bronzing lips.  This product, shown here in a 1972 ad, takes creepy to a whole new level.

14.Rain, Rain, Go Away 

What Cigarette Issue?
Oh yes, wet cigarettes, what an issue… NOT. Somebody had too much time on their hands when they filed a patent for this product. The retro ad dates back to 1931.

15.Totally Makes Sense.

This Weird Vintage Product Wasn't Needed
We love that there is even a regular service for the hair rental. Your hair shows up on time for you! When the ad asks, “What other company offers this?”, we’re at a bit of a loss for how to reply.

People used to pay money for these products. Yes. Is it just us or are these vintage ads for products that never should have happened? If you come across any of the inventors, ask them what their motivation was. We would like to say there aren’t any silly, pointless products on the market today but, well, that would be a silly and pointless statement to make, now wouldn’t it?