Are you ready for a blast from the past? Here are 14 retro games that we’re fairly certain would never sell today. That is, not unless the consumer is Uncle Fester or one of the Three Stooges. It all began with an innocent game of darts.
1.Nothing Like A Dart To The Eye
Did your mom ever say to you, “You’ll poke someone’s eye out if you’re not careful”? She might have said it while you played these lawn darts in your backyard. The game was fun but is now banned in the US and Canada over safety risks. If you still have a set of these darts, you’re a badass.
2.Name That Ripped-Off Tune
The game show Name That Tune ran in the 1950s, 1970s, and 1980s. We don’t think it would be a hit today though as every song on the Top 40s chart seems to sound the same. Plus, artists are being sued for copying one another’s tunes (remember the Blurred Lines lawsuit?).
3.Nothing To See Here
The graphics on this video game are so outdated that it would never appeal to consumers today. The poor guy shown here just wanted to get ahead in the world.
4.An Exciting Indoor Sport
The Orgy board game was meant to appeal to the 70s hippies. Nope, we didn’t make it up. This retro game wouldn’t sell today though because our society is way too politically correct.
5.Clowning Around
Did you play the arcade game Circus? It was a quarter muncher that gave players control over a circus act, just as its name suggests. You had to guide the seesaw underneath the clown. The problem here is obvious. Clowns got really messed up after Circus released in 1977. Now we have disturbing clowns like Pennywise and The Joker. This video game manufacturer would go bankrupt today.
6.Dare To Be Physical
This game aired on the Nickelodeon kids’ channel from 1986-1993. Kids were put through physical challenges and trivia Q&A periods. The TV show couldn’t exist today because kids are too busy playing on the computer – do they even know what physical activity is? Also, one of the three hosts was Bruce Jenner, who is now Cait, who is now kinda busy…
7.Where’s The Cats?
Kids today probably have no idea what an Old Maid is so we think that the card game Old Maid would only collect dust on store shelves today. Instead, an updated deck of cards would more appropriately be called Crazy Cat Lady, in our humble opinion.
8.Where’s The Tech?
If you grew up in the 70s and 80s, then you will know what Lite-Brite is and have fond memories of it. But it wouldn’t be selling to the same crowd today, who want the latest tech and want it to be wearable too.
9.Journey Of The Past
Back in the 80s all the cool kids were into video arcades and MTV. The two popular concepts merged into the video game Journey, which plopped one of the most popular bands of that decade into their own gaming adventure. Today, we wonder if teens even know who Journey is and think the game would need to be altered to include Taylor Swift or Snoop Dogg.
10.Knock, Knock, Your Outdated Date Is Here
This 1965 game was designed for girls ages 6-14 and featured four potential dates for her. The “dud” date card, as the game called it, was the nerdy guy. In the 21st century, the geek is chic so this premise wouldn’t fly! Plus, people are too busy trying to figure out the online dating game anyway.
11.Pass On This Game
The box says it is an “exciting adult game.” Wonder what Bill Cosby would think of the idea?
12.Not Striking Pay Dirt
It’s not exactly a board game that would sell out in stores today. It was designed for the whole family, but environmentalists around the world aren’t impressed with this one.
13.Boobies (Giggle)
Self-explanatory. The word “booby” is fun to say, but the whole family might not chuckle about it. Sorry for embarrassing you, mom.
14.To The Extreme-ly Bad
Remember Vanilla Ice, the 90s rapper who had hits like To The Extreme and Ice Ice Baby? Us neither. With outdated electronics and an over-the-hill music act as its main draw, this game is a loser in the present time.
These retro board games will leave you bored. As for the Old Maid card game, it was made with an expiry date years ago. Nowadays we’re consuming PC games like Grand Theft Auto V and Borderlands 2 but we sure had fun exploring the oldies with you. Let’s leave the dust on those vintage games, not that we’re judgemental about them or anything.
Surprisingly, some games have managed to stand the test of time. Take good ol’ Scrabble, for example. This party favorite is even more fun today, where your odds of winning are greatly improved with a little help from the interwebs, where one can find some handy tools to shurt-cut their path to Scrabble domination. Yes, UnscrambleX.com can do that for you!
Bottom Line
Zeitgeist changes, and so do people’s entertainment habits. What was a hot commodity 20 year ago is now a dust collector in someone’s attic. What used to be casual fun is now politically incorrect and verboten. Therefore, let’s leave the nostalgia to the collectors!
